Photographs.

Honestly, i try to avoid taking photographs of/with people.

I don’t know, it’s just a thing i do. It doesn’t even mean anything really, i just don’t like it i guess. I just don’t like the whole idea of having a memory imprinted onto a piece of glossy paper, unless it’s totally unscripted and spontaneous, not posed in any way at all. That one, that one is okay.

Personally, i just think having pictures of people, especially those who chose to leave you, it just brings out such a range of emotions and you know how i’m such a loser at confrontations? Yeah, well, those emotions make me very uncomfortable and i would like it very much if i never have to encounter such a feeling, or feelings, ever again. (Probably a stupid request to my body since i have those feelings every time i get a panic attack. …dumb me.) Well, yeah. Maybe it’s for the best that i don’t take pictures. I’m one to get attached far too easily, it’s frustrating, and i don’t handle being put aside as good as i hope to admit. Which is terrible, horrifyingly terrible, but yeah, i just am.

I’m also such a greedy person by nature. If you give me your attention, i’ll always want more. Don’t be mistaken though, i appreciate every time i get to spend with everyone but if you had to leave, i’d rather you cut me short than you giving me more time because i’m fucking greedy, in that sense. I probably won’t get over the fact and i’ll dwell on it and i’ll just blame myself for everything, but it’s okay, because i’d rather be stuck with all my what ifs and have that little glimmer of hope that we could be going somewhere than be stuck with that solid fact that, you know, we could never be. …Yeah, i really have to start learning how to handle rejections better.

Anyways, yeah. Pictures, they’re terrible for my heart. Very terrible things. I recommend that you never take any pictures with people you know are going to end up leaving you anyway. Highly recommended. I mean, it doesn’t make moving on a faster process, but it makes it a hell lot easier to have nothing to hold on to. Trust me. (…And this is coming from a girl who has never fallen in love before.) 

People, when they finally find a reason to leave you, they’ll leave you faster than lightning would take to hit your heart. Also not much difference, really. Both scenarios may eventually leave you dead. For real. I would tell you to not get attached, but that’s so fucking hard to do and i’m pretty sure it’s impossible because how do you fucking train your heart to feel the way you should feel? You can’t, that’s how. 

Wait, i got sidetracked.

 

…What was i talking about again?