I screwed up

I screwed up. And I feel so bad about it. Like I feel so guilty. And it is my fault so that’s why I can’t seem to escape this feeling.

I’m having such a hard time doing what I should do. Cause either way, I’ve disappointed ppl. And I am so mad at myself for trusting someone who shouldn’t be trusted. I’m so mad at myself for still thinking people can change. I’m so mad at myself for being so stupid. I don’t know what to do honestly.

I should go. I should leave. Yes. I’m heartbroken though? But it probably would not remain the same. I’m kind of afraid. I screwed up. I really screwed up.

Everyone’s moving on, but I’m still stuck here. I am not waiting for anyone so why am I still here. I ‘m trying to move but I just feel so tired and redundant. What’s the point of moving at all?

So… My childhood best friend got engaged.

I’m depressed. It’s not that I even want to get married but wow, time feels like it’s running by so fast and yet so damn slow at the same time.

I’m kind of over this feeling of being stuck. Should I move to another country? I kind of really wanna move to another country.

To put the pain of our loved ones before ours.

My mum’s confession prompted me to go to the library to just pick up some books on anxiety and depression and just do some research on it.

She told us that- well, actually, she warned us or scolded us, rather, saying to not push her off the edge because she’s been thinking of just jumping down from the 7th floor of our apartment. With all that’s been going on, i would expect her to at least be strong for her children but as usual, i always ask for too much. I honestly don’t think i’d be this angry if the reason why she told that to us was that she was seeking help but really, she uses that as a weapon whenever we behave like a normal, able bodied human being who can think for themselves. All the fucking time. Nevertheless, precautions should be taken to avoid regrets. If there is one thing i hate the most, it’s the feeling of regret. What good is it to feel something that almost can never be rectified?

I read some books and took down some notes and as i was researching about how to identify/ read the signals of depression and anxiety, I was taken aback by how relatable it was for me and how closely acquainted i was with them. I mean, i knew i had shown signs of both depression and anxiety through my teens, and even now, but i had never gone beyond watching videos on ways how not to kill myself. Neither did it ever prompted me to seek professional help. After all, with all the videos that i’ve watched, other people have it worse than me. I was so convinced that my feelings/state did not warrant for an official diagnosis nor did it mattered much if it did. Given our financial situation, i was in no position to ask for something i considered to be a selfish act. A part of me really hated the idea of having to come clean on every job interviews i go to and having to tell the same story over and over again- picking into my skin every single time. It didn’t feel worth it. I felt very unworthy of help and attention. I still very much do.

There is no moral to this post for i have not decided what to do with what i’ve learnt. I might change my mind, i might not, but the prioriity obviously falls to my mum. As much as she frustrates the shit out of me, she is my mum. Even stripped off the title, she is a woman whose husband chose another over and blames her for it. Strip that off further, she is my grandmother’s daughter. The sole reason for my knowing of grandma. I think that that connection itself is strong enough to remind me not to be so tactless with my relationship with my mum.

We all have that someone, don’t we?

 

 

41 days, nenek. I still miss you.

17 days, 13 hours, 21 minutes,55 seconds.

I miss you

I loved you 

I love you.

 

 

Al-fatihah Hajjah Timah Bte Arip,

17th November 2015, 4.10PM.

In recent news.

It’s only been 4 hours since i last posted but hey, there’s a first for everything.

Usually i’ll always advise against consuming caffeine before running but when you’re struggling so hard to stay awake past 3 because you need to wake up at 5, i think that’s sort of okay. ….

I remember during primary 5, my form teacher would tell us this dear memory of hers that would traumatize me all through puberty and subsequently, adulthood. She told us that for a major national exam, everyone would only sleep for an average for an hour or two each night, starting a month prior to the first paper. To keep themselves awake, they would consume CRAZY dosage of caffeine provided by everyone’s favourite buddy, redbull. Her class was tight so they studied together and drank incopious amounts of caffeine and when exams were finally over, on the day itself, they set out to a celebratory party of their own involving a game of basketball and a snack bar. In the middle of the game, however, a guy suddenly collapsed and his heart stopped beating. He died then.

Now, she never did tell us if caffeine was responsible but i wasn’t going to take any chances. I’m pretty lucky too, my body absolutely hates caffeine. Plus my tongue did not care for the taste of redbull. It helped that i was terribly afraid of heights so really, there was no use for wings. Other than the caffeine i get from teas, anything more would be horrendous for me. I personally would like to show God my gratitude for that.

Anyways, the only reason, i mean, one of the two reasons i drank coffee today was because i wanted to try if the coffee nap works. I saw a video on it detailing on the benefits it promises and instructions on how to go about it and i was interested. Basically, you drink a cup of coffee and take a nap for 20 mins and you’re done. As an avid lazy person, i tend to be tired all the time. ALL THE TIME. So i tried it. So here is my conclusion. Yes, from that one and only test i had.

At first i was deeply annoyed because i had been so sleepy just before the cup but when i was free to sleep for 20 mins, i couldn’t fall asleep at all. I closed my eyes and tried though. When the alarm rang, i was undoubtedly disappointed but hey, life goes on. The first 5 mins weren’t that great. I was almost convinced it didn’t work because i did feel a bit drowsy-ish sleepy but when i started doing my work, i realised i could concentrate without feeling sleepy. So yeah, it works!

Hehehe, it’s nice to know it works but i wasn’t really that surprised to. My body’s way of ingesting caffeine has never been instant, i found that it only works after i sleep so it’s not all that new to me BUT WOOOHOOOO, i guess i sort of tried something new. Hahaha, anyways i probably should get back at my work. Nat left for her overseas school trip (till tmr night) and everyone else is still sleeping. The breeze is so good right now.

Adios twibs!

Originally, i had another post in mind.

This wasn’t supposed to be it but since it’s what i’m feeling now, i guess it’s pretty relevant. Well, relevant enough for my blog anyway.

So maybe you’ve already known this but i have three sisters. I’m the second one so it’s Afiqah, me, Lily and Nat. The firstborn has always been independent, thriving best among her friends at best but me and the other three, we prefer thriving off of each other. Well, at least for me, i can’t say for them. Most of the things we do, we do together. Heck, we even do nothing together the best. It’s just been that way for so long, we’re just so used to being close. I buy for them a lot of stuff, and whenever they have money they’ll buy for me stuff. … if i ask them to (I love giving and receiving surprises but they aren’t the type to surprise me). When you’re the oldest of the gang, you spend ALOT of money buying stuff for your younger twibblets. Everything i buy comes in threes, if they aren’t share-able. EVERYTHING.

Over the last few days, i moved into Afiqah’s room. Our aircon’s been really annoying lately so 3 people in the room just wouldnt make it and so i moved in with the oldest and she’s more than happy. Actually, she’s been bugging me to sleep with her. Ever since she’s been dating, she’s been a lot more nicer than she used to be. hehe. So yeah, i moved in with her and that’s that, but all my stuff and well, everyone’s stuff really is in the other room because the original plan was to make one room solely for sleeping and the other for changing in and studying and etc but the aircon situation is a whole new story.

It’s only been like a a few days and they’ve gotten so much more closer. Actually, it’s not that they’ve gotten closer, it’s that they’ve made me distant. I still do all the things that i do with them but when you share a room with someone, you get so much more than just time because we talk and we play and we do all those things before we sleep and now they’re still doing it, but without me.

Just just now, i went into the room and they’ve been talking and in the midst of writing a song but as soon as i sat down with them, Lily started playing on her phone and Nat was just sitting there, the whole room was silent. I know what that act is, we used to do it all the time with my mum and dad and everyone else that wasn’t us. It’s called the silent why the hell are you even here you disrupted our fun and can please get out quick and close the door behind you. That isn’t even an isolated incident. Every time we go out now, no one wants to talk.

It’s obvious our relationship to each other means more to me than to the other two but it’s always been that way from the start. I did my best to become the mom because i saw what my mum was lacking and i didn’t want anything less than perfect for them and as soon as i did, i knew i lost. Until you’ve become a parent or a stand in parent, you will never understand. The love a child feels for their parent will never surmount to the love their parents will feel for them, not even close. Maybe it’s me wanting more, maybe it’s me wanting to be just their sister and not a mum for change. Maybe it’s my damn hormones.

I don’t know. It’s probably just me feeling lonely but whatever. I’m always the one initiating the outing and planning and wanting to do something fun together. I mean, they still need a mum so i’m not planning on stopping that but we’ve got our fair share of sisters already. Maybe i should just be content with giving and not expecting anything in return. There’s no rule that says i can’t feel hurt though, right?

It hurts, i just have to shut up about it.

Eczemama.

The monsoon season is hitting diligently this month, i like the breeze.

I’m sleeping on the couch today. My granny’s over at the moment and so i gave up my bed. Willingly though, the outside breeze may be too cold for her but for me, it’s heavenly. My fats keep me far too insulated. heheh.

I figured out a way to swallow vitamins that tastes like molded worms way more easily, warm water. I started taking spirulina regularly again because the haze is affecting my eczema so much, i have to take note of not only whats on my body but what i put inside too. No milk or cheeses… well, limited anyway, and we try to stay away from the dirty foods as much as we can. My whole body has rashes, but the flare ups are concentrated mostly on my arms and stomach so i guess it’s not all that bad. Sigh.

Everytime it gets unbearably itchy, i’m so tempted to take steroids but i dont think thats a good idea at all so i don’t. We’ve tried a lot of natural creams too, and moisturizers and lotions and none of them work that well either. I could blame them but really, it was my fault. When i first got them, i was so afraid to go to the doctor’s because it was a very embarrassing and sensitive area to me so i waited like 5 months. Well, bad move because my skin cause drastically thick and gross and just unbearably itchy. Worse, it spread! big time. I was forced to go in the end so i really have no idea what’s the point in procrastinating that long when relief was within reach. Sigh, choices.

Anyways, i should probably try to get some sleep soon.

(i’m kidding, i’m probably going to watch like 5 more episodes of Fresh off the Boat and then a long list of music and soldiers coming home videos to top that off.) Adios.

That point in time. (also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY RENEE!!!!!!)

I never quite know exactly how to start off a post. I mean, i start conversations with hello but i find it odd to be starting off with a hello if i were to be typing it out instead of saying it out. Irony in that, i actually found my introduction.

It has been a whole month since i last had a job. I’ve been doing so much cooking and baking and crafts and just doing all the things i want to do at my own pace and time, I might’ve become a little too attached to my freedom. I should look for a job soon seeing that i’m already broke and am in desperate need of clearing the term “bum around for a whole month” on my resume. My mum’s onto me but i’d rather be on rocks than tell her my boss left for China and so i’m jobless now. She wants me to get a job that pays well. The thing is, i need education and commitment and experience for it. All of which, i lack of.

It’s not that i’m not worried about my future but since i’ve already come this far and am actually in this situation, i have to make do with it to it’s fullest without compromising myself because god knows what happens when i try to not be too concerned about my mental health. My mum keeps saying that my dad tells me to start from the bottom and climb up and the reason we’re not going anywhere is because i refuse to do it and that i’m so full of myself. I never justify myself or explain myself because at my age, i’m just so used to being in this kind of situation that i find it so much easier to just shut up and let it pass then to fight her. My heart burns inside, but that’s nothing compared to the anger i would have had to deal with had i press it on further with her. Trust me on this, just let this pass.

I don’t mind starting from the bottom, i really don’t. The thing is though, bottom of what? I barely know what i want to do for sure. It’s driving me crazy. I’m 20 and i still don’t know what i want to do. Why don’t i have goals? Why don’t i have aims? I need to find something because the feelings of having and being nothing is like the lowest of lowest. Worst of all, it’s all a pity party up in here. All of it. I’m sick of it.

I was just popping by the grocery store for awhile when the white clouds were suddenly covered by the darker grey ones and i knew instantly that it was going to rain. I didn’t bring an umbrella and i wasnt even that far off so i knew i could’ve easily gone home to get one but i started to wonder why i needed one when i knew i’d be home anyway, where i could just change my clothes if i ever got wet? That’s when i started to realize something.

When i was little (actually, throughout my teen years as well, the change is quite recent), I’ve always loved the rain. When it raining really hard, Nat and i would jump at the chance to run to the playground and just mess around because playing in the rain gave us the greatest sensation ever. (Lily would join us too but as she entered secondary school, she got to cool for it.) When i go out, i hate carrying along those portable umbrellas cause they were pesky, but i soon learned that i needed them especially if i was on the way to somewhere. Me all drenched is not a sight i would wish upon anyone, not even my enemy. (Well, especially my enemy if there is one because i would presume they would use my unfortunate look to their advantage.) If i’m getting home though, i found no use for it whatsoever. It was useless, i could always bathe. Plus, if i were actually getting home from somewhere, i needed a shower anyway.

As i grew older (probably about two years ago), my perceptive changed. I started seeing the rain how lily saw it, and that is a nuisance whenever i was out. It was a blessing if i happened to be at home though, rainy days at home are still the best. Playing with rain started becoming totally unnecessary and foolish. Rather than coming home out and having to shower and then change, why not just stay dry and not have to go through that trouble? I started thinking about the consequence instead of living in the moment just like how i used to all those time.

Is that really growing up though, because if that is it then i’d rather remain a foolish, immature old ass bat. We’re all too busy thinking about the consequences that we forget sometimes living in that moment, for just that moment, is the best thing you can do. We compromise ourselves and stay dry, just so we have more time to do things we dread. We make room for unhappiness because we’re taught to think about consequences. We’re taught to not take a risk because falling is very painful and painful is bad when in actuality is that falling is painful, but painful is good. It means you’re alive, it means you’ve still got a chance and it also means that you can fall again because you’ve learnt how to pick yourself up again.

At some point in this post, we all anticipated that i was probably going to lose my sense of consciousness as the post gets longer and longer and i’m a little pleased to say that we have reached that point. It’s 4.33AM people, if i’m not reflecting on my life and creating meaningless worries to ponder on then what good is this insomnia for me?

Oh wells, i guess i’ll see you again.

It’s 2.35AM, surprise surprise.

This past week has just been such an emotional one. My grandma suddenly had a fever and wouldnt wake up so we had to send her to the hospital. We were with her when she was transferred and everything, i remember being so fucking afraid.

For me, i’m not scared of losing anything. It seems as though there’s almost nothing in the world that holds a value to me. I think it’s because i’ve accepted the fact that whats yours isnt really yours because you can lose it at any given time. Even people. Especially people. My grandma is not that.

damn it, i cant see in the dark.